you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
