Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
