I think im going to throw up on grandma
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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