The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
