i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize