my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
