I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
