I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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