I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
