My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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