Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
