Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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