I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
