i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize