you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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