wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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