This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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