I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize