Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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