So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
