Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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