he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
