Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
