**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
