final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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