My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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