Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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