if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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