No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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