I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
