I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize