I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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