I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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