i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
