my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
