The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i barfeds in our rink
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
