i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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