hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Girls should come with a carfax report
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
