I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
