...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
