i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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