Can Purell be used as lube?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
