Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
