From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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