he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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