A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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