I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
