Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
