Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
