I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
