Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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