i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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