I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
