before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
