My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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