I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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