You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
