I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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